Thursday, June 23, 2011

THAT School Uniform Party (NC-16)

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE BELOW 16. I will NOT be responsible for your mental corruption. >.<

Hmmm, me bad. My propensity to procrastinate on things is boundless. For example, if I had bothered to haul my own ass, I would have done LASIK a long time ago, and start to enjoy splendid vision for a much longer time. And, about 2 months after the event, I am FINALLY getting down to blogging about THE School Uniform Party the Evil One and I co-organised with a couple of other friends. Be warned: although I would be blurring the faces of the participants, if you don't think you can stomach seeing 30-somethings  dressing up as 16 and 17 year-olds (or even younger, hur hur), STOP READING NOW.

The idea to hold this wacko party arose out of a fairly harmless conversation about my predilection for younger, hot men (shall not name names just in case he/they read this blog) with a group of friends. One of them, let's call him Z-san, suggested to Samurai T, that in order to hold onto my interest as a result of my "cougar" instincts, he should wear his old school uniform around the house. Somehow, one thing led to another, and we decided to re-visit our long gone youth by holding a School Uniform Party, and at the same time use this as a platform to raise some funds for the Japanese Earthquake and Tsunami.

Obviously I had thrown my school uniforms away donkey years ago, and in any case, I seriously doubt I could fit into any of those without rupturing the seams. The Evil One and I decided to embrace our inner sluts and go for the "Japanese School Girl" look, which stirs up all kinds of objectionable fantasies, and look something like this.....
This is about the most conservative Japanese school girl look that I could find on the Internet. Obviously, the chaste "virgin" thingie ain't gonna work for us older folks.

You cannot BELIEVE the number of PORN SITES that popped up the minute I googled "Japanese school girl image". I believe this is from one of those "adult" sites, even though this image actually looks quite innocent. This uniform actually looked REALLY similar to what The Evil One ultimately wore that night - right, right!?!? 

The key thing about Japanese school uniforms is that the skirt has got to be SHORT. Very short indeed. The one I ended up buying was sooooo short half my butt was showing, much to Samurai T's horror. As I did not have slim thighs and long legs like this hot lady above, I had to wear tights so as not to look overly obscene.

In the beginning I was contemplating on going as Sailor Moon, which was one of my favourite manga characters as a kid. The Evil One, Z-san and I made a trip down to a cosplay shop in town and indeed they had a Sailor Moon costume for rental. But I changed my mind immediately. If you don't know, or remember, Sailor Moon looks like this:

No way in the world am I going to be able to carry this off!!!

For one, her skirt cannot be in all honesty be classified as a "skirt". Two, the top is the tightest thing ever known to mankind. Three, I had to get a blond wig to complete the look. In the end, both of us decided to stick to good old Japanese schoolgirl uniforms which cost us SGD89 each!!! She had on a summer version, and I took on the winter, long-sleeved version. We both turned out looking like this:

The Evil One and The Fat Geisha - how wonderful did we look?!

We did up our hair in style - I had mine tied up in ponytails and she had on girly hair clips. I was totally in love with my seriously bright pink uniform - under poor lighting I was quite sure I could pass off as 16 years of age again. The party was a rocking success because many of our guests came dressed up to the nines, but I am not going to post all of them because it is such a chore to "pixel-late" faces.

 This is us with Z-san, who is looking trim and fit in a local school uniform. We were supposed to be "seducing" an innocent school boy, but I don't think we succeeded. LOL.

That's me, posing with a strawberry and trying to give off "come-hither" vibes. I think I failed on that count too! Don't you think those black tights are very slimming?!!?!?

This was another one of our co-organisers, C-san, who was wearing the tightest imaginable shorts EVER, and yet still looking hilariously like a primary school boy. Insane!

Despite our supposedly raunchy poses, it was a night of good, CLEAN fun. We were happily playing mahjong, and cards, and stuffing ourselves silly on a scrumptious Thai buffet spread that The Evil One sponsored (I forgot why it wasn't Japanese). Here's a pic to make you drool.....

So, so, so YUMMY......................!!!!!!

Ultimately, we did some good in the end. We raised SGD 500 (not a lot but it was a last minute gathering) for the Japanese Red Cross while having oodles of fun. Applause, applause, everyone!!!

P.S. If you are wondering why there are no pics of the Samurai here, he was wearing boring PE (Sports) attire because he couldn't find a uniform to fit his bulk. ;P

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Doing the Locomotion - SMAP's Softbank Ads

This LASIK thing is really miraculous. And I thought I would be out for a very long time, but the truth is, I could have easily blogged the next day after my operation. The results were almost instantaneous, and contrary to all my greatest fears, the op was incredibly fast and painless. Now I feel reborn again, and it seems I am looking at all things anew, in super sharp focus!

So after two China related posts, the Evil One has been egging me on to post more Japanese stuff. She made a brilliant suggestion to blog about SMAP's Softbank ads. For those not in the know, Softbank is a multi-billion dollar telecommunications and media company and currently the only carrier of iPhone in Japan. What is so interesting (and mighty frustrating) is that SMAP recently came down to Singapore in March (!!!) to shoot the latest Softbank ad - the location being Singapore's newest architectural icon, the Marina Bay Sands. And none of us knew of their top secret trip to Singapore UNTIL they had left the country!!! And we were all seething at the missed opportunity of catching the hot Kimura-san on our homeground. Bah! I could have brought him to eat chilli crab and other Singapore delicacies, you know....... (and do many other things WITH and TO him as well......)

Well, no use bawling over spilled milk. The Singapore Softbank ads are out, and I have been checking the various Softbank ads on Youtube and it appears that like the Gatsby ads, they have a signature tune, which in this case is Kylie's "Locomotion", accompanied by a cute little dance (which has been spoofed countless times). It goes something like this:

The ad is cool and fun at the same time, although as usual I don't quite see the link between mobile phones and their dance, but the Japanese definitely operate on a different mental plane from the rest of the world.

So let's check out the Singapore MBS version, where all of them look quite stunning decked out in white (especially YOU-KNOW-WHO):

There is also a talking component of the Singapore ad, but alas, my Japanese language skills are not quite there yet to be able to catch what they are gabbing about (something about the wonderful Internet connectivity in Singapore??), but the ending is hilarious because they turned our national icon, the Merlion, into "Maoto-san" - which looks like the Fox God I see in Japanese shrines.

There are many other interesting and funny incarnations of the Softbank ads, and also the spoofs, which I will reserve for another post another day.

Until then!!!!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

China's Infamous Toilets

I am trying to blog as much before Thursday, which is when I go for my LONG AWAITED LASIK op to correct my severe myopia. But that also means, my dearies, that I will once AGAIN be absent from this blog because I am NOT supposed to strain my eyes after my op. Although seriously I wonder how long I can stay away from the laptop/iPAD/TV/books - may one day? Less than 24 hours? 5 hours?!?!? God, I use my eyes for every damn thing - all my hobbies involve heavy usage of the eyes, like reading, drama watching, blogging, am I ever going to survive? Gah. Trying not to think about it.

Let's discuss more unpleasant stuff.... like China's public toilets. Where Japanese toilets are probably the best (and most sanitary) in the world (absolutely the BEST), China's are right at the other end of the spectrum. Just the thought of it gives me goosebumps (of the worst kind). Even before I went on my first trip to China, I have heard all sorts of horror stories, like most people. Thankfully since I stuck to the developed cities and stayed close to hotels for my baser needs, I did not encounter anything horrifying. But true exposure came fast and furious on this trip.

My tolerance level for dirty toilets is ZERO, or even negative something something. For the life of me, I cannot comprehend why people do not see the need to flush toilets. It horrifies me to note that there are so many parts in the world where there are no proper toilets, and people do not really CARE. (Ok, they may have bigger things to worry about, like day-to-day survival, but STILL.) Is it any wonder then that I love Japan so much?? The toilets are soooo clean everywhere I go (even better than Singapore!!) that I probably can have meals inside!

During my Silk Road sojourn, I have mastered the art of timing my pee times appropriately, holding it in for as long as humanly possible until we get to an acceptable restroom stop and drinking as little water as possible  in a super hot and dry climate. Since we made the trip with Samurai T's students, I had come to depend on their "toilet reviews" each time we reach a toilet stop (be it on the road or in a restaurant, etc.) "It's a C-plus!" or "It's very smelly!" or "There are no doors!" to "F-minus minus!!" or "You cannot see anything inside!". Music to my ears would be "It's very clean!" which I heard only once or twice during the entire 11-day trip, cleanest being a restaurant in Lanzhou where there was even a helpful and cheerful toilet lady to make sure even the sinks are not wet after use.

I don't know how they (the Chinese) construct the sewage pipes in China, but people are not even allowed to flush toilet paper down the toilet for fear of clogging. (There is a similar practice in South Korea, if I remember correctly.) So waste paper are all conveniently deposited into a nearby bin. Already ewwww, right? It is even worse when the baskets are overflowing because no one bothers to clear it. You can only imagine the worst stench ever. The scariest I have encountered was at a restaurant in Urumqi where once you step onto the second level where there is a huge dining hall and where the toilets are located, your nasal orifices are hit by the most unbelievable smell EVER. I cannot imagine having to take my meals at any table on the second level because I would puke if I so much as draw a breath.

And naturally because the level of civic consciousness is not there, there were numerous incidences of un-flushed toilets (maybe they were saving water?!?), and toilets where the walls were so low between cubicles you could actually have a chat with your neighbour when you are doing your business. The Chinese also do not quite understand the concept of privacy because many doors have no locks and/or locks are spoilt, and the tour group had lost count how many times we had accidentally opened the door to a user squatting over the hole. The girls in particular took turns to guard over each other's doors - lest someone decided to barge in! One particular memorable incident for me was during our visit to the Southern Pastures where the toilet was completely dark once the door was closed and it was literally a hole in the ground and there was no flush (!!!). The upside was you could see nothing disgusting; the downside was a snake could crawl out and you wouldn't know.

Thank God I survived but I need to visit Japan again soon to wipe away all the toilet trauma I had experienced on this holiday......

All major sites have "Tourist Toilets". Unfortunately, many of them are not the kind of toilets they want to see. This will be my only picture. Anything else, you will get nightmares for the rest of your lives.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Journey to the West (Western China, That Is)

Hi Dearies, Fat Geisha is back after traversing the paths of the Ancient Silk Road. I have been to China many times, but always to the top-tier developed cities like Beijing, Shanghai, Shenzhen for both business and pleasure. While impressed by the rapid development, the country has never been able to draw me the way Japan does, even though I am ethnically Chinese and should feel a stronger affinity to the country. But this particularly trip was certainly an eye opener for me. 

For one, I realised that China is not JUST about Beijing or Shanghai (Technically I KNOW it is bigger but I hope you get what I mean). It is bloody HUGE. Flight time from Beijing to Urumqi, Xinjiang, was 4.5 hours, which was about the distance between Singapore and Taiwan. The cultures and the people are vastly different, not just because they are from different ethnic groups, like the Uighurs and Kazakhs, but even the Han Chinese have very different behaviour, thoughts and outlooks on life, many times for the better I feel.

Away from the hustle and bustle of the big cities, which are designed to strike awe in the hearts of foreigners "Hear Ye, Hear Ye, China is a World Power!", I see sprawling landscapes, genuine human warmth, the ever widening income gulf between the haves and the have-nots, immense cultural treasures and exotic food. Instead of babbling endlessly, I think a picture speaks a thousand words. I will let my pictures speak for themselves. Enjoy your pictorial journey.

Fat Geisha always starts with food.
Lamb skewers galore - Samurai T was chomping down like no tomorrow. Unfortunately, me no quite like mutton.

At the Xinjiang International Bazaar, Urumqi. One look and you can tell we are NOT in Beijing.

Big ass red dates, one of the local produce. Shopoholic that I am, I bought, of course.

We went to the Southern Pastures of Urumqi to check out the grasslands. Unfortunately part of the slopes were converted to ski resorts - urgh, commercialization! But still we saw some nice landscapes and this Kazak cattle boy.

A lovely Uighur family. We ordered a lot of lamb skewers from this man, who manages a small roadside stall!

You see a lot of interesting architecture in Western China, which is heavily influenced by Central Asian and Islamic cultures. This is the lobby of our hotel in Turpan. Great lobby, but gross rooms.

One of the UNESCO sites we visited in Turpan, Jiaohe City - a 3,000 year old city situated at the crossroads of the Silk Road. Amazingly well preserved, and equivalent in awesomeness to some of the sites I visited in Egypt.

The Emin Minaret - more than 400 years old and now one of the largest mosque in Xinjiang.

At the Flaming Mountain of the "Journey to the West" fame. Notorious for being one of the hottest places on earth. It certainly lived up to its reputation.

We visited an Uighur family who produced and sell grapes for a living. All sun-dried, hand-picked, no funny chemicals and preservatives. And they tasted wonderful!

Another UNESCO site at Dunhuang, Gansu Province - the Mogao Grottoes or Caves famed for its Buddhist art over the span of 1,000 years. Very impressive.

On this trip we cut across 2 deserts - the Gobi Desert and the Takalaman Desert. Here we are at the Echoing-Sand Mountain and Crescent Spring in Dunhuang. The sand is sooooo fine!

The Crescent Spring which is a natural spring which springs out in the middle of all that sand. Miraculous really.

We visited the Western end of the Great Wall of China at Jiayuguan, built in the Ming Dynasty. It was a spectacular looking fort.

Our Silk Road journey in map - unfortunately we did not go all the way down to Xi-An, the ancient Chinese capital.

A section of the Great Wall known as the Overhanging or Cantilever Great Wall, rebuilt in the 1980s and so-named for looking like it was hanging over a cliff.

Those vast vast landscapes of nothingness. Makes me wonder how all those ancient traders of Silk Road survived. Certainly very harsh conditions, even with all our modern day conveniences!

Our last stop at Lanzhou, where we visited the Yellow River, the cradle of Chinese civilisation. Muddy yellow indeed.

So I end with another food picture - Lanzhou's famous beef ramen, which was SUPER delicious! Yummy.